Bye 2015, Hi 2016

2015 was an important year for me. It was a challenge, it has many turning points. 

Overall in 2015, there are many things that I gained, at the same time I lose things as well. 
That is why people say, you can't have it all, sometimes you need to lose in order to gain! 

To me, 2015 was a fighting year, everyday I fight with time, fight with people, chasing after what I defined as the "future". I gained knowledge, I gained experiences, I followed through my 2015 resolution religiously. 

Looking back, I humbly think I achieved at least 80% of it (which marks an "A" grade in examination), which to me is a great achievement, though I know I can do better. :) 

Despite all gains or whatsoever "achievements", I was rather defeated towards the end of the year! 
Reason? Yes, I broke up (to friends who are rather shy to seek confirmation)! 

I couldn't complete one of my 2015 resolutions that I set (together with her of course), that is to love her more and spend more time with her. 
And yes, it became my biggest regret of year 2015. 

Many wonder what was the reason, many thought we could last, they thought they could hand us the "angpao", but unfortunately, sometimes things don't turn out the way we thought it would be (Reality of life). 

Here is how I view our relationship in the past. In our relationship, we had been through knowing, getting along, doubts, distant and in the end, separation. 

It was great knowing this girl, she taught me how to love, how to be sharing, how to express feelings and how simple happiness can be. 

Also, she has some of the most interesting interests/hobbies which I don't see myself doing but honestly not a bad things to know; for example, she likes art stuffs, baking and reading + "experimenting" about healthy food and products, fancy food stuffs (to me Starbucks was fancy once). When she likes the things she do, she usually goes quite detail about it, so even though sometimes I sort of half understand when she tries to explain, I still manage to capture some key points. As a result, I can't agree more how all these little things allow me to create some small topics among friends at times when we get stuck in awkward silent conversation. haha. 

Getting along was not that difficult, as we do share many things in common, we are both calm and modest people, our temper don't go Tsunami all the time, we eat modestly, we talk gently, we have views that always complement each other's, we enjoy being healthy (even if that means eating tasteless food), we can quickly agree on things that we like or dislike, or just put it in simpler term, we are on the same channel and frequency la..... adui! 

Of course getting along did not mean two individuals are same totally, we do have some "variances". For example, she is more of a hygienic person (don't get me wrong, I am hygienic too but she is a bit more than that). So, I remember how silly it was during her visit to my hostel at the very beginning, I had to get up early and clean the toilet (you can imagine a house full of guys). But honestly, she didn't ask for too much, now I think back is actually basic need to have a clean toilet! haha. 

We stayed together for a short period during the University, but that was when we experienced running a mini family. Many say you won't get to know a person completely until you stay with that person! From cleaning the room to cleaning the house on a regular basis, to preparing meals, handling bills, running house errands, fixing defects and what not... Apparently, we get along and we did it quite well. Somehow, you'll just have the feeling someone is right for you, and you basically have no doubt about it. 

We also have different strengths and weaknesses, her strengths are strong mind, empathetic, fast-learning, she picks up things fast and have photographic memories. I am creative, reasonable, extremely good-tempered, responsible, practical, logical and analytical (sounds like writing a resume). I'm more emotional sometimes and she is fickle-minded. But somehow, we just able to complement each other. One also said, relationship/marriage is putting two imperfect individuals together to complete each other. 

After the so called "most passionate period 热恋期", things slow down a little, don't get me wrong not that we don't love each other. We enjoyed each other's companion, we are comfortable to have each other, we have got ultimate goals that we are pursuing all along. However, we spend relatively less time together as we work different place, meet different people and have different challenges and opportunities (unlike during the University time). 

Slowly, we develop doubts as to whether or not this person still love me the same or more or even less? We do assure each other in our own ways, as you know girl and guy are from two different planets. Girls sometimes need assurance to be expressed in words, plan a little surprises, have a little bit more romance and fun experiences and have a little bit of pampering. Well for guys, at this stage of life, we tend to assure in a way girls could not articulate, we tend to be a little quiet sometimes, thinking about career, thinking about future, making financial planning, making sure that things are in order for both and both's families, thinking of safety, sometimes even meaning sacrificing time, own interest and energy just to make things a little bit better. Many more, what not definitions of a mature man. 

In theory, I understand the women's planet, I remember reading a lot books about relationship when I was younger. Whatever success and failure examples I have seen so far, most couple split for the same reason. I am aware of that. Sometimes in practical day to day basis, it is some little things that we neglect that counts. I was too focused on being a traditional mature man which I define and as a result neglecting little things/actions she or rather WE need to nurture our relationship. 

Then, when we were not in good terms, instead of open book and revise the key ingredients for making a "healthy relationship" dish, I became jealous, being childish, doing silly things which poisoned our relationship day by day. Accumulation of toxic thoughts can wipe out all that we built in split seconds (Friends, if you are also having this problem, quickly borrow some books and revise the recipe of love). 

Distant. Work, work, work, travel, travel, travel have created distance and it further accelerated the process of separation. Less time, less comfort, less assurance. Regardless, I never forget she is the one meant to be, in my heart I told myself I will make it up for her one day. However, in my heart I said. She is not a heart reader. I did not tell her enough how much she actually mean to me. Therefore, I don't and shouldn't expect understanding from her, nobody will be there forever tolerating my own negligence. 

In the end, of course is separation. Of course, it is a little bit of waste. But life goes on. It is all about making choice and decision. Things that I don't show appreciation, others will. Utmost normal things in life. I don't think she exists to just teach me a lesson, we both gained in this relationship, more than we actually lose. Only both of us know best. Lastly, I feel strongly about loving someone doesn't mean owning it. Sometimes, when you know what's best for the one you love, you just have to let her go. 

One once said, 
If you love her, let her go. 
If she comes back to you, she is yours forever. 
If she doesn't, then she was never meant to be. 

To those who are still in a relationship, from time to time, revise! Spend time to nurture your relationship, don't wait till it's gone. Taking things for granted is what we do always.. sometimes not realising it..

Despite being on the same channel and frequency, sometimes like a piano/guitar, you still need to tune it from time to time. 

P/S: I am not emotional/sad and I'm slowly moving on. I decided to put in on this blog for a simple reason, I end where we start. haha.  

Happy new year all, wishing you a blessed 2016.

Envy is so green.

It is ok to feel jealous? Is it healthy to feel a slight pang of envy against the attention your loved one is getting from other people? It is weird. I feel pain. Sad. Anguish. Helplessness. It doesnt help if your loved one does not give a damn about how you feel. Direct flirtation right in your face. I would not mind it that much if you kept it behind closed doors. Shut, sealed behind locks and keys and bolts. Away from me. Just to respect our relationship, I let it go. I do not mind. I could not tell you. I might be the bad guy. The oversensitive one. You say you want to cook for others. Well go ahead. I do not mind. I do not care anymore. It is painful to feel. I could have ripped my heart out so you stab it a million times and I will never feel it. It is inhumane, ripping my heart with the blood gushing out so ferociously. :(

4 ALL TIME FAVOURITE SONG

1) I Don't Wanna Be - Gavin Degraw
2) What Makes You Different, Makes You Beautiful - Backstreet Boys
3) California King Bed - Rihanna
4) Monster - Paramore

These four songs have completely different meanings and genre but it's just so awesome. Although the first and second songs are not exactly the latest songs but even after listening to it for years, I still love them :P

What the future holds.

Hey Pangeelapongers. How's everyone doing? :)

I've been working in my mom's company for the summer and the programmes are all back to back. Pretty tiring but managing it well i guess :)It is a three days programme and i have to travel every week to different states; KL, PJ, Penang, Malacca, Genting, Seremban. I, together with two other colleagues and my mom have to go over to these places. And in these places, some days, some sessions, i have to emcee the programme, or lead the teambuilding. At first i was kinda scared and shy... But the participants were really nice and they were pretty encouraging when i was talking so after the first session, i was more comfortable talking for the rest of the programmes. Moreover, it's not like i am being rated. So okay la. :D

Time flies right? It seems like just yesterday I was wondering what to do for the summer and now It is already halfway through summer. There are certain things i wanted to do this summer but didnt manage to, such as going to Australia and Bandung cuz i didnt plan earlier and when the programme started, i barely have time for myself. And i've been missing my friends! 

Anyway, i'm now in Malacca, reached home from Penang yesterday evening and now im already in Malacca. Im here for some quality time with bro and dad. My sis and mom are in KL.

On the way here just now, my dad asked me when am i graduating and what's my plan after graduation. Honestly, i am not exactly sure of what i want to do after this. When i was a kid, choosing an ambition was really easy.

I remember my ideal dream job was to be a judge. I have a really stupid reason for wanting to be a judge. I grew up supporting my mom and going against my biological dad, so i told myself that when I'm a judge, im going to let all mothers win the custody of their children. And, apart from making stupid decisions, i wanted to be a judge to hit the gavel. :P

Of course as a kid, nothing stays forever including the things we like and what we wanna do. So, i changed my ambition from becoming a judge to becoming a firewoman. Why firewoman? Cuz firemen have this pole where they get to go down to the lower floor with the pole! U get what i mean?! If i could have one of those at home, it'll be sooo fun! :D 

Apart from that, i wanted to be a police cuz i think I'll make a good detective, finding out who's good or bad. Unfortunately, i had to let my dream of becoming a policewoman go cuz i am really bad at aiming. 

I also had some unrealistic dream jobs such as becoming a postwoman cuz i collected stamps as a hobby when i was younger. But no way ill ever be a postwoman. Doctor when i had a doctor toy set but im not smart enough to be a doctor :P and my family wouldnt agree anyway cuz of the long working hours. I think that's what children does.. Life is so easy and the world revolves around them and nothing else. Just like how i thought many years ago that if i'm not with that person, that person would just freeze and come back alive when i'm with them. I think that was the stupidest thing I can ever think of. Lol.

For now, i really dont know what i really wanna be. I wanna do something i like doing and earn money out of it. I really dont mind becoming a stewardess if my parents allow. But then again, i got my degree for something more than that :P So i guess i have to look for a job that really suits my characteristics and still able to earn? Hmm lol who wouldnt want a job like that right? One last year for me to think about this before graduation :)

The Devilish Note

When i was younger, i knew what gift/s got bestowed on me. I was thankful for one and was equally curious about the second one. You see, the second gift god gave me was the ability to talk. ..... alot. In fact, i hate report card day because i know at the bottom of the page, there is a small note which states

Kenneth seorang pelajar yang bijak. Dia juga seorang pelajar yang sentiasa ceria. Tetapi terlampau banyak cakap. Sila ambil perhatian.

Translated:

Kenneth is a bright student. He is also a fun and cheerful child. However, there seems to be a lack of oral plug which can stop him from talking too much. Kindly invest in one.

When i was younger, i dread for this day as my parents will continuously nag, scold, remind me that i talk alot. I usually wonder, do i really talk that much or it was just a figment of imagination of my teacher/ teachers. I only talk during recess. and moral studies, and during language classes, and sometimes during maths and sciences class. I know i never talk in history class. I was too busy falling asleep. Yet, this gift was meant for greater things. I hoped.

Now looking back, i see that most employers are looking for people who are able to communicate well, both written and verbal. Well, most people are trained to write since they were toddlers. However, the skill of communication needs to be well honed either by talking to friends or strangers. It is a mastery of both the brain and tongue. The sharper your tongue, the more efficient information gets through.

Advertisers are now looking for more effective methods to pass on a message besides written signage beside the road. Here is an example, do you pay more attention on the billboards or on your speedometer when you are speeding down the highway. Interestingly, most people look forward to know how much they have clocked in on their mileage rather than looking at the passing boards.

However, most companies are investing in information networkers to pass on the message. You see this alot in malls, gas stations and other heavily congested areas. Because it is easier to listen than to read and memorize in a short period of time.

Moral of the story, talk more, listen more. Earn more! XD

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Now playing: Stereo Love (Edward Maya ft Alicia)

Gherao (The Finality)

This post was postponed for a few months due to lack of inspiration and commitments. ;P

On the horizon, a group of native aborigines was circling what appears to be a thin man sprawled on the ground. The natives were masked but they circled the accused with authority. There were no sticks brandished but their eyes mark with such intensity that the grounded one was not able to prop even his arms up. Dust were kicked up, such that it gives the crowd a light layer of protection from the baking rays of Ra.

It would have been honor and glory if the plans were made right. Such burden as too great for a man but he was the One. He was presented the golden seal from the Oracle. The All-seeing. Definitely they had seen something in him to present him with such authority. A plan that would mark this town as the next Athens. The stakes were high but he he was game. What is life without stakes. It would be like playing poker with the blind.

Fate however hid the aces. The town people was not supportive of the idea. That would bring destruction, one elder shouted. That is against our believe, our culture, another yelled. Yet he would not listen. We have what they need, his hand waved towards the lush surrounding. They promised to take just a part for their needs. One year, one year and everything will be fine. If only he had knew that the Oracle wanted him to save the town. If only.

The barren land was now a habitat for scavengers. Lifeforms disappeared as water frizzled into nothingness. It was dusty and thirsty for the man. He was not the One anymore. His eyes were wild. Sanity was driven out of him by scorching rays. He needs space. He needs air. Beyond the circling crowd was freedom. So sweet the smell.

He lost his judgement. With one frantic look, he dashes out from the encircling. Without warning, a hail of stones and pebbles rained down on him without mercy. No, mercy was gone with the purity of the land. He was stoned alive. Blinded and broken, he tried to run. To move. The torrent of gravel seems like an eternity. Battered he lay there.

Vultures swarmed down, claiming their reward on a broken soul.

Summer Post-Mortem

Qhen we are a child, we use to wonder what is our priorities in life. Life back then used to be homework and games with the usual test or assessment. Nothing else matters back then. We have friends and company. Money was not an issue as parents are there to fund us. As we grow, our materialistic behavior grows as well. We are exposed to media advertising which subjugate us into thinking material that we want as needs.

Our perspective towards our surrounding and society changes. When we are child, we care more about the environment. This behavior mutates as we grow older. We no longer care about the precarious and fragility of the nature to sate our hunger for money. We see the consequences in plenty of uncontrolled forest burning in Indonesia. Forest burning reduces waste disposition cost as well as the cost of purchasing fertilizer.

Our perception on society changes. Everything is a crazy rat race to the top. Our vision on society status is based on the monetary part rather than their sincere personalities. You might be thinking oh no i am not as superficial as you think I am but i can tell you, there are inkling that this happens. Especially in urban areas where money is what makes the world spins.

Peace is no longer about equality but more on who has the bigger stick than the other person (quote Ironman). Help is given when a reward is expected. A person may have a thousand friends but he /she would not know whether there is a knife behind their back.

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Now playing: Thinking of Me (Olly Murs)