2015 was an important year for me. It was a challenge, it has many turning points.
Overall in 2015, there are many things that I gained, at the same time I lose things as well.
That is why people say, you can't have it all, sometimes you need to lose in order to gain!
To me, 2015 was a fighting year, everyday I fight with time, fight with people, chasing after what I defined as the "future".
I gained knowledge, I gained experiences, I followed through my 2015 resolution religiously.
Looking back, I humbly think I achieved at least 80% of it (which marks an "A" grade in examination), which to me is a great achievement, though I know I can do better. :)
Despite all gains or whatsoever "achievements", I was rather defeated towards the end of the year!
Reason? Yes, I broke up (to friends who are rather shy to seek confirmation)!
I couldn't complete one of my 2015 resolutions that I set (together with her of course), that is to love her more and spend more time with her.
And yes, it became my biggest regret of year 2015.
Many wonder what was the reason, many thought we could last, they thought they could hand us the "angpao", but unfortunately, sometimes things don't turn out the way we thought it would be (Reality of life).
Here is how I view our relationship in the past.
In our relationship, we had been through knowing, getting along, doubts, distant and in the end, separation.
It was great knowing this girl, she taught me how to love, how to be sharing, how to express feelings and how simple happiness can be.
Also, she has some of the most interesting interests/hobbies which I don't see myself doing but honestly not a bad things to know; for example, she likes art stuffs, baking and reading + "experimenting" about healthy food and products, fancy food stuffs (to me Starbucks was fancy once). When she likes the things she do, she usually goes quite detail about it, so even though sometimes I sort of half understand when she tries to explain, I still manage to capture some key points. As a result, I can't agree more how all these little things allow me to create some small topics among friends at times when we get stuck in awkward silent conversation. haha.
Getting along was not that difficult, as we do share many things in common, we are both calm and modest people, our temper don't go Tsunami all the time, we eat modestly, we talk gently, we have views that always complement each other's, we enjoy being healthy (even if that means eating tasteless food), we can quickly agree on things that we like or dislike, or just put it in simpler term, we are on the same channel and frequency la..... adui!
Of course getting along did not mean two individuals are same totally, we do have some "variances". For example, she is more of a hygienic person (don't get me wrong, I am hygienic too but she is a bit more than that). So, I remember how silly it was during her visit to my hostel at the very beginning, I had to get up early and clean the toilet (you can imagine a house full of guys). But honestly, she didn't ask for too much, now I think back is actually basic need to have a clean toilet! haha.
We stayed together for a short period during the University, but that was when we experienced running a mini family. Many say you won't get to know a person completely until you stay with that person! From cleaning the room to cleaning the house on a regular basis, to preparing meals, handling bills, running house errands, fixing defects and what not... Apparently, we get along and we did it quite well. Somehow, you'll just have the feeling someone is right for you, and you basically have no doubt about it.
We also have different strengths and weaknesses, her strengths are strong mind, empathetic, fast-learning, she picks up things fast and have photographic memories. I am creative, reasonable, extremely good-tempered, responsible, practical, logical and analytical (sounds like writing a resume). I'm more emotional sometimes and she is fickle-minded.
But somehow, we just able to complement each other. One also said, relationship/marriage is putting two imperfect individuals together to complete each other.
After the so called "most passionate period 热恋期", things slow down a little, don't get me wrong not that we don't love each other. We enjoyed each other's companion, we are comfortable to have each other, we have got ultimate goals that we are pursuing all along. However, we spend relatively less time together as we work different place, meet different people and have different challenges and opportunities (unlike during the University time).
Slowly, we develop doubts as to whether or not this person still love me the same or more or even less? We do assure each other in our own ways, as you know girl and guy are from two different planets. Girls sometimes need assurance to be expressed in words, plan a little surprises, have a little bit more romance and fun experiences and have a little bit of pampering. Well for guys, at this stage of life, we tend to assure in a way girls could not articulate, we tend to be a little quiet sometimes, thinking about career, thinking about future, making financial planning, making sure that things are in order for both and both's families, thinking of safety, sometimes even meaning sacrificing time, own interest and energy just to make things a little bit better. Many more, what not definitions of a mature man.
In theory, I understand the women's planet, I remember reading a lot books about relationship when I was younger. Whatever success and failure examples I have seen so far, most couple split for the same reason. I am aware of that. Sometimes in practical day to day basis, it is some little things that we neglect that counts. I was too focused on being a traditional mature man which I define and as a result neglecting little things/actions she or rather WE need to nurture our relationship.
Then, when we were not in good terms, instead of open book and revise the key ingredients for making a "healthy relationship" dish, I became jealous, being childish, doing silly things which poisoned our relationship day by day. Accumulation of toxic thoughts can wipe out all that we built in split seconds (Friends, if you are also having this problem, quickly borrow some books and revise the recipe of love).
Distant. Work, work, work, travel, travel, travel have created distance and it further accelerated the process of separation. Less time, less comfort, less assurance. Regardless, I never forget she is the one meant to be, in my heart I told myself I will make it up for her one day. However, in my heart I said. She is not a heart reader. I did not tell her enough how much she actually mean to me. Therefore, I don't and shouldn't expect understanding from her, nobody will be there forever tolerating my own negligence.
In the end, of course is separation. Of course, it is a little bit of waste. But life goes on. It is all about making choice and decision. Things that I don't show appreciation, others will. Utmost normal things in life.
I don't think she exists to just teach me a lesson, we both gained in this relationship, more than we actually lose. Only both of us know best.
Lastly, I feel strongly about loving someone doesn't mean owning it. Sometimes, when you know what's best for the one you love, you just have to let her go.
One once said,
If you love her, let her go.
If she comes back to you, she is yours forever.
If she doesn't, then she was never meant to be.
To those who are still in a relationship, from time to time, revise! Spend time to nurture your relationship, don't wait till it's gone. Taking things for granted is what we do always.. sometimes not realising it..
Despite being on the same channel and frequency, sometimes like a piano/guitar, you still need to tune it from time to time.
P/S: I am not emotional/sad and I'm slowly moving on. I decided to put in on this blog for a simple reason, I end where we start. haha.
Happy new year all, wishing you a blessed 2016.
2019
6 years ago
