A relationship - full of different emotions

It is worth notice that for
American marriages began in 1980, about 10 per cent ended up divorce;
For couples married in 1920, the rate was about 18 per cent followed by;

1950 = 30%
1970 = 50%

And for newly-wed in year 1990, the divorce rate was estimated to be 67%.
If the statistic is true, then for every 10 married couples, 6 will end up splitting up and say bye bye…..

Flash back during my grandpa times, divorce was practically not in the context even in the most miserable match of couples. It could be due to wives’ economic dependence on their husbands. But if that’s no longer the issue, emotional forces between couples may be crucial for determining the survival of a marriage.

The differences between how men and women handle their emotions, aside from the biological factors, could be arisen from the differences in emotional worlds boys and girls are exposed to while growing up. Boys are girls are somehow taught very differently in terms of how to handle emotions. In general, parents, especially mothers, when talk to their daughters, they tend to talk more detail the emotional state itself and more about feelings. On the other hand, when they talk to the sons, probably parents may go more detail about causes and consequences of emotions. As a consequence, girls may be more articulate in expressing their feelings in words rather than emotional reactions such as physical fights. Boys on the contrary more likely to express anger “physically” rather than “verbally”.

Girls tend to play together in a smaller group with the emphasis of together-ness and cooperation. While boys normally play in a larger group and the games involved are normally more competitive; dead or alive, they wanna know who is the winner. If somebody’s got hurt during the game, girls will gather around to help the girl who is crying. But sadly, when a guy got hurt, he is expected to stand up and continue the game or may be left out by the gang and regarded as the sissy in the group. As girls and guys grow up in such circumstances, girls become more sensitive in reading emotional signals at both verbal and non-verbal levels. They are also better in expressing and communicating their feelings compared to the guys. Guys on the other hand master the ability to mask their emotions when it comes to pride, fear or hurt. Or expressing their emotions in a more destructive manner.

Studies say that, for the wives, intimacy means talking things over, especially talking about the relationship itself. The men sometimes don’t understand what the wives want from them. They say, ‘I want to do things with her, and all she wants to do is talk.’ Of course not all men are like that, sometimes husbands would also want to settle problems in the relationship, such as problems related to communication. But somehow, probably because men grow up from a childhood where communication and expression of feelings are less emphasized, when attempt to express their complaint/dissatisfaction, often expressing it as anger, in a wrong way, wrong tone with a poor choice of word. Anyway, at times, wives may express their complaints in a wrong way as well.

[Stories attained from Goleman, 1996.]

a)

Fred: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Ingrid: (In a mocking tone) “Pick up your dry cleaning? Pick up your own damn dry cleaning. What am I, your maid?

Fred: Hardly. If you were a maid, at least you’d know how to clean.

b)

Pamela and her daughter went shoe shopping while her husband, Tom, went to a bookstore. They agreed to meet in front of the post office in an hour, and then go to a matinee. Pamela was prompt, but there was no sign of Tom. “Where is he? The movie starts in ten minutes,” Pamela complained to her daughter. “If there’s a way for your father to screw something up, he will.”

When Tom showed up ten minutes later, happy about having run into a friend and apologizing for being late, Pamela lashed out with sarcasm: “That’s okay – it gave us a chance to discuss your amazing ability to screw up every single plan we make. You’re so thoughtless and self-centered!”

The return of Tom’s apology, was a statement from the wife saying “thoughtless and self-centered”…

According to the author, Pamela’s way of expressing her emotion is a character assassination, a critique of the person, not the deed, which is more than just a complaint.

There is a huge difference between complaints and personal criticism. In a complaint, a wife will state what exactly makes her feel sad, and criticizes reasonably on her husband’s action, not her husband, by saying how it made her feel (referring back to the first story, the wife should say):

“When you forgot to pick up my clothes at the cleaner’s it made me feel like you don’t care about me.”

This is an expression of basic emotional intelligence which is positive, not aggressive or passive.

But in a personal criticism she might say:

“You’re always so selfish and uncaring. It just proves I can’t trust you to do anything right.”

This kind of criticism leaves the person on the receiving end feeling ashamed, disliked, blamed, and defective – all of which are more likely to lead to a defensive response than to steps to improve things (Goleman, 1996).

In a relationship, there’re many factors which to lead a divorce/break up in couples, one of it could be the contributory of emotional forces. A good emotional management along side with good communication with the partner may be crucial to hold a relationship together. Understanding the nature of gender differences in terms of their emotions could also lead to a better understanding between couples and a happier future, hopefully….